The 10 of Hearts

(This Blog has been temporary removed... Sorry guys, it doesn't fit at all right now.. and i feel under pressure to write to you! Jesus!)

Its Been A While....

Since I’ve done this.
And by this, I mean a journal entry.
I’m rusty.

I’m here. I’m alive!
Hello world.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months that I have never ever thought about before. In less than a couple months, I have dropped down to the lowest I could have ever gone, and even when I thought it couldn't get any worse, things still seemed to still be going wrong. I gave up, and after time I eventually lost myself.

So, Brittanie, where does this all begin? Where do these thoughts and feelings come from you may ask? Well let me tell you in short (at least at this point, I want it to be short)

After a while, school started to go downhill. Not in the way you’re thinking... I still went to class, and did my work, but it was easy, and I found other things to do with my time. Just for the record, I did pass, and (might I add!) with mighty fine grades. Anyways, I felt like I had lost all the people that I had called friends, and even the ones I was so very close to before I came to college, felt like they had drifted farther and farther away.

I hated living in residence, it honestly felt like a prison, and since I know not a good percentage of people younger than me have been to prison let me go into more detail. It’s nice to go on vacation? I suppose we would all agree on this. I do travel a lot and maybe for some people "living" in a hotel like place with key cards is ideal, but for me, a place I want to call home, calls for a set of keys. Sign in your guests? "I don't think so" if I'm paying a shit load of money to stay there, I want to be able to have whoever I want over, and not have to pay $5 to have them stay the night!

*rant*

White walls, long halls, lonely nights, cable TV that I had only watched once since I got there, and internet so slow, I had to wait three days for a movie to download just so I could entertain myself. Basically to sum it up, residence was the shits and it didn't help that I had a roommate that would talk about me on msn to all her little friends. I'm sure I’ll come back and edit this one day, go into more detail, but I promised myself above that this was going to be short!

Anyways, continuing on.

After a while I started to cry every night. I had never felt so alone and afraid in my life. This is where I would like to thank TWLOHA and the Kids help line. When no one else was there for me, they were, and listening to someone I didn't even know, talk about absolutely nothing for at least a half hour actually cheered me up. I hated being by myself. I was depressed, and I didn't want to admit it.

So I started spending my time elsewhere, which I think is when I was given signs, you know the ones people think "god" give them, but since I don't really believe "god" I kind of just ignored it, and thought that things would eventually end up the way they end up (which by the way, is exactly what happened). All I did was cook and clean, and cook and then clean... and then occasionally cook, and then go to best buy every once and a while.

Then I went to San Francisco, where I came across a little something called hope and dreams. It didn't last long though, because soon enough I was back where I started and I felt like my life was a dead end. I was medically diagnosed with Situational depression, and started taking pills.

I lost control; I didn't know who I was. After a while things just got worse (but they always get worse before they get better, which is what I'm told) I ended up moving out of residence. I didn't get kicked out, like some of you may think, I just simply couldn't take it anymore, there was nothing there for me. After that, my life became routine, boring, and robotic.

Okay so right now your thinking "shit, so much for a short blog" Well I do apologize, I didn't mean for it to be THIS long, it’s just a lengthy story, and I kind of need to get it all out.

So, what pushed me over the edge? What was it that made me realize that there were so many life opportunities and so many people out there that would die to take me out to dinner?

Well, at the end of my run, my best friend, someone that was always there for me, decided they no longer wanted to be, and it had happened to me around that time of year, where people are supposed to come together, to be together. The only thing I was holding on so tightly to have slipped through my fingers, and I was left with nothing.

But surprisingly, even at the most unlikely times, life can completely turn around, and start again. A new chapter, a new year, a merry Christmas.

I ended it with my boyfriend, and I can say I don't regret any of the choices I have made, even when I was depressed or "down and out" as you might like to say. The choices I have made, and the things I have said are all done and over with, and I can start a new "chapter" in my life.

I'm not going back to school. I'm meeting a boy. I’m going on a road trip. I'm raising money for charity. I am back, and I am doing what’s most important, living my life.

How Do You Fix Something This Broken?

I love you?

Three words that can change someones life as well as your own. I love you. Love... hm..

My description of "Love" is that it's the most important and fulfilling emotion that we will ever feel. It is the strongest feeling i have ever felt and iv only experienced it a few times. Its so overwhelming and powerful that in the moment you feel it, the moment it hits you, you feel as if you own the world. But could this be real? can it be? Love is like a continually shattering mirror that always leaves behind images etched in people's hearts; but it will remain a mystery forever. Many people give themselves over to this mystery, but while love can produce the most tender and delicate feelings in anyone's soul, it alone can open a window in the hearts of a very few.

Im at a loss of words today and im sorry i cant write much more.

Lets Create a Time Machine

I wish we could just be happy again, like before. When i used to sit at your bed and you'd play me a new song you learned, or sit in the car and watch the moon turn red during the eclipse. But things change, people grow, and life gets hard. The most important thing is to get through it, and do the best you can.

Sometimes i wonder why things happen the way they do. I am sitting here from my computer desk at home, in Welland, and in three days ill be sitting on my bed, with my new sheets and new laptop, writing a note or doing a blogTV show, from Oakville.

Today, i can tell you i have never been more excited and sad to be leaving home all at the same time. And you might be thinking "what?!, your last blog said you hated life" or whatever i wrote about that day... Well i never go back and read what i have written. Someone once told me when they record something or make a video, once they are happy with it they post it and never watch it again.

I do that with the notes i write.

I was watching Tyra Banks the other day on TV. A therapist was helping young people with their odd habits and addictions. One girl came on the show with her husband. She has one child and shes 19 years old. She missed her prom, graduation, and most of her last months of school for this baby she now has. Her problem was, she couldn't stop crying.

I sat back and watched this, watched the therapist talk about it... and something he said just made so much sense to me that it hasn't left.

"A setback is a setup for a comeback"

It just makes sense right now.
I dont know.


I am me.
Is it possible?
Can it be done?
To capture Joy
Loves smile begun
Tender hands
Safe and secure
Memories of home
Love is here, and more...
- unknown

Slow Down. Please.

Days seem to be going by very quick. When i sit here and think about it, there is less than two weeks till i move out, and live on my own with someone i have never met before. Thank god for technology, thank god for facebook.

Things lately have been busy and hectic. I went to the Youtube 888 event which was lots of fun. I met a lot of people and had many adventures with davedays, who i had just met that day. Even though iv had a great summer, made a bunch of new friends, I seem to be lonely.

This past week the kitten that Corey and i got together has constantly been bugging the family. Even though shes been driving us nuts, there are moments that we all share with her that make us all smile.

In ten minutes I will get into a car, with one of my oldest best friends, and her family, and head towards Canada's wonderland. I will leave all the "loneliness" behind and think about what rides i really want to go on, or the hour waits that we will have to endure to get on the new ride of the year, The Behemoth.

Sometimes i feel like i have no one to talk to, so i just sit alone and think to myself. Think about who i can call, what i would say... I just end up chasing my thoughts in circles and not being able to find an end until i get upset and angry. Its funny... The people i would love to call, love to talk to, are busy, or just distant... people i have not talked to in YEARS.

Stop
Dont flatter yourself
This is not about you.
Go

Its strange how i have come up with the ability to push things to the back of my mind, and not think about them at all until i have time to slow down and think about myself. Am i happy? Do i like where my life is headed? Who knows, because i sure don't.

Thats It.

Well, today I woke up and found myself thinking different, feeling different, and overall just different than I was when I fell asleep. All of my problems felt thrown out the window, and I feel like things that are not very important, shouldn’t matter as much as I believe they do.

I guess you could say I "woke up" because technically, I did. I want to be happy and lately I feel like I have been falling far from happiness. Today, waking up in my bed, with the window wide open, felt like starting new. I went on facebook, read all of the blogs I have posted, looked and studied my profile, "in a relationship" just seemed to pop out at me today.

I guess I haven’t really been keeping my side of the relationship. Lately with all the chaos of graduating, moving out, getting a job, and especially drama class, I haven’t been able to fully give everything I have to this person, which I care very much about. This morning that feels as if it has all changed. For breakfast I ate a hamburger. I know I know, everyone who reads this is going to be like WHAT A HAMBURGER BUT U DON'T EAT MEAT?

Well fuck it.

A part of me wanted to be a vegetarian for the animals, save the animals blah blah blah, but in reality, what are we really doing? They still kill the same amount of cows, nothings going to change if one person decides they are no longer going to eat meat. If the rest of the world decided they weren’t going to eat meat well, that would be another story.

The other part of me did it for the healthy part of it all. Yes its healthy, I mean.. I did loose 15pounds (probably off my ass). So I figured since i'm not really getting into this whole vegetarian thing, i’m going to create a diet for myself, a proper one.

Its not that I disliked not eating meat, I actually enjoyed not having to. Haha that probably sounds weird... I would make my own meals, decide what I was going to eat for dinner, and have it. I wouldn’t have to cook for everyone. I want to keep that up. Cooking for myself gave me time to think and just enjoy life. Wow that sounds so corny.

Anyways, today i’m going to go out. I’m not sure where, but i’m going to go. I feel good, happy, excited, haha I just want to drive and listen to music so loud that my ear drums pop out of my skull.


New life is such a beautiful thing.

Untitled

One day, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them. I cant help but glance around the room and realize no one sees how normal I am.

Am I the kind of human wreckage that you love..because I am too lost to be saved?

heart, lungs chest....inhale, exhale....repeat.

I am the keeper of the winds. I dance beneath the Willows and share my secrets with the stars. I like to think im an artist. I am that one that you could never tame. I like to think sometimes that I don't have a family or a home. I belong to the world, I jump on my bed in my underwear to 70's music, splash through puddles, and sing in the rain. little bones, pale skin, big eyes. I am a romantic, a lover not a fighter, but when i need to fight i give it my all. Sharp tongued and dangerous. The notes of an acoustic guitar, the beat of the drum calm me. I am all words, smiles, and heart. The forbidden fruit, the blood in your veins, the air in your lungs.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day. From then on its been me against the world.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."

are there no more kind words to be spoken..to be strung into beautiful lines..to be inspirational to others?

Teen poetry full of angst, real or otherwise, crowds the blogs of my friends..of strangers. Has the world really become such a horrible place? Is humanity going that far down hill..that you can search through hundreds of friends, and have a hard time finding anything worth reading..anything beautiful..anything about a topic other than broken hearts, and ruined lives?

I'll admit..I've fallen victim as of late as well.

Its been a while since I've written anything about love.. yeah a while..

Have I lost the desire to put it into words? To express how I feel, the only way I used to know how?

The feelings not gone, so why have the words left me?

why have they left us all?

and...

are they coming back?

Today has been an awkward day full of emotionless tears and unhappy feelings and all i can find myself doing at the moment is this, sitting writing once again to no one who will read. The Above notes are just things i spent writing about last night, i got no sleep, and decided to write. Fucking headache.


I want something more, something bigger than this.

Since iv posted this i think iv edited it about 5 times, its either i cant seem to put what im feeling or i find something wrong with the way iv written this. Over the past month or so i feel as if people have started to hide me. From others, as if i don't exist. It doesn't completely bother me, just makes me feel like im not good enough sometimes...