Thats It.

Well, today I woke up and found myself thinking different, feeling different, and overall just different than I was when I fell asleep. All of my problems felt thrown out the window, and I feel like things that are not very important, shouldn’t matter as much as I believe they do.

I guess you could say I "woke up" because technically, I did. I want to be happy and lately I feel like I have been falling far from happiness. Today, waking up in my bed, with the window wide open, felt like starting new. I went on facebook, read all of the blogs I have posted, looked and studied my profile, "in a relationship" just seemed to pop out at me today.

I guess I haven’t really been keeping my side of the relationship. Lately with all the chaos of graduating, moving out, getting a job, and especially drama class, I haven’t been able to fully give everything I have to this person, which I care very much about. This morning that feels as if it has all changed. For breakfast I ate a hamburger. I know I know, everyone who reads this is going to be like WHAT A HAMBURGER BUT U DON'T EAT MEAT?

Well fuck it.

A part of me wanted to be a vegetarian for the animals, save the animals blah blah blah, but in reality, what are we really doing? They still kill the same amount of cows, nothings going to change if one person decides they are no longer going to eat meat. If the rest of the world decided they weren’t going to eat meat well, that would be another story.

The other part of me did it for the healthy part of it all. Yes its healthy, I mean.. I did loose 15pounds (probably off my ass). So I figured since i'm not really getting into this whole vegetarian thing, i’m going to create a diet for myself, a proper one.

Its not that I disliked not eating meat, I actually enjoyed not having to. Haha that probably sounds weird... I would make my own meals, decide what I was going to eat for dinner, and have it. I wouldn’t have to cook for everyone. I want to keep that up. Cooking for myself gave me time to think and just enjoy life. Wow that sounds so corny.

Anyways, today i’m going to go out. I’m not sure where, but i’m going to go. I feel good, happy, excited, haha I just want to drive and listen to music so loud that my ear drums pop out of my skull.


New life is such a beautiful thing.

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One day, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them. I cant help but glance around the room and realize no one sees how normal I am.

Am I the kind of human wreckage that you love..because I am too lost to be saved?

heart, lungs chest....inhale, exhale....repeat.

I am the keeper of the winds. I dance beneath the Willows and share my secrets with the stars. I like to think im an artist. I am that one that you could never tame. I like to think sometimes that I don't have a family or a home. I belong to the world, I jump on my bed in my underwear to 70's music, splash through puddles, and sing in the rain. little bones, pale skin, big eyes. I am a romantic, a lover not a fighter, but when i need to fight i give it my all. Sharp tongued and dangerous. The notes of an acoustic guitar, the beat of the drum calm me. I am all words, smiles, and heart. The forbidden fruit, the blood in your veins, the air in your lungs.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day. From then on its been me against the world.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."

are there no more kind words to be spoken..to be strung into beautiful lines..to be inspirational to others?

Teen poetry full of angst, real or otherwise, crowds the blogs of my friends..of strangers. Has the world really become such a horrible place? Is humanity going that far down hill..that you can search through hundreds of friends, and have a hard time finding anything worth reading..anything beautiful..anything about a topic other than broken hearts, and ruined lives?

I'll admit..I've fallen victim as of late as well.

Its been a while since I've written anything about love.. yeah a while..

Have I lost the desire to put it into words? To express how I feel, the only way I used to know how?

The feelings not gone, so why have the words left me?

why have they left us all?

and...

are they coming back?

Today has been an awkward day full of emotionless tears and unhappy feelings and all i can find myself doing at the moment is this, sitting writing once again to no one who will read. The Above notes are just things i spent writing about last night, i got no sleep, and decided to write. Fucking headache.


I want something more, something bigger than this.

Since iv posted this i think iv edited it about 5 times, its either i cant seem to put what im feeling or i find something wrong with the way iv written this. Over the past month or so i feel as if people have started to hide me. From others, as if i don't exist. It doesn't completely bother me, just makes me feel like im not good enough sometimes...