Divide Time.

Confession: I need a certain amount of human interaction and affection a day. When I'm alone all day I get terribly depressed. Its weird. I just hate running my thoughts in circles. I confuse myself and just get angry for no reason. Mental much.

I can't sleep with my closet doors open because I've always been afraid there's someone watching me from there, waiting for me to fall asleep. Good thing residence doesn't have closets!

Corey and I have spent lots of time together lately, so I'm trying to get all my stuff done now.Its been fun, but we seem to be on a different track. The phrase ``out of sync`` comes to mind. It makes me sad that we are going to need to actually put aside time to reconnect. I wish things were easier sometimes.

Iv been thinking today about calculator watches. I mean, its interesting. Who really wears them anymore and are they really that useful. I cant really come to any conclusions though, i dont even wear a watch that just tells time let alone does math for you.

hm.. i think ill look into purchasing one.


I always edit these after i have posted them...

Lets Create a Time Machine

I wish we could just be happy again, like before. When i used to sit at your bed and you'd play me a new song you learned, or sit in the car and watch the moon turn red during the eclipse. But things change, people grow, and life gets hard. The most important thing is to get through it, and do the best you can.

Sometimes i wonder why things happen the way they do. I am sitting here from my computer desk at home, in Welland, and in three days ill be sitting on my bed, with my new sheets and new laptop, writing a note or doing a blogTV show, from Oakville.

Today, i can tell you i have never been more excited and sad to be leaving home all at the same time. And you might be thinking "what?!, your last blog said you hated life" or whatever i wrote about that day... Well i never go back and read what i have written. Someone once told me when they record something or make a video, once they are happy with it they post it and never watch it again.

I do that with the notes i write.

I was watching Tyra Banks the other day on TV. A therapist was helping young people with their odd habits and addictions. One girl came on the show with her husband. She has one child and shes 19 years old. She missed her prom, graduation, and most of her last months of school for this baby she now has. Her problem was, she couldn't stop crying.

I sat back and watched this, watched the therapist talk about it... and something he said just made so much sense to me that it hasn't left.

"A setback is a setup for a comeback"

It just makes sense right now.
I dont know.


I am me.
Is it possible?
Can it be done?
To capture Joy
Loves smile begun
Tender hands
Safe and secure
Memories of home
Love is here, and more...
- unknown

On The Hill Top, I Sit to Think.

I saw my sister for the last time today. Shes going up north with my cousins this entire week. She left today... or yesterday... and wont be home till Friday night, Which is funny because i leave Friday morning. We just hugged and didn't really say anything... I told her to have fun up north and we gave each other disgusting kisses on the cheek and i left for work.

It still doesn't feel like I'm leaving. It just feels like I'm stuck here forever, which is how i have felt my entire life. Its strange...



After nine days I let the horse run free by soleá.
On the first part of the journey
I was looking at all the life
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings
The first thing I met was a fly with a buzz
And the sky with no clouds
The heat was hot and the ground was dry
But the air was full of sound

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

After two days in the desert sun
My skin began to turn red
After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a river bed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think it was dead

You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

After nine days I let the horse run free
'Cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
there was sand and hills and rings
The ocean is a desert with it's life underground
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies a heart made of ground
But the humans will give no love

You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...
Written by Dewey Bunnell

(8)

I never knew that on MSN this: (8) meant a music note...

So the other day i got in a car accident. I am not going to sit here and explain exactly what happened but let me just tell you it was my fault, and in no way, shape, or form could i have ever prevented this accident from happening. What i am getting to is well... we don't know if my vehicle is going to get fixed, or if insurance is going to tell us to get a new one.

I don't want a new one! I want my one! My car! My Buick! My BABY! My first car ever. It might sound strange to you... to not want a new car... but step inside my shoes for a minute.

My Buck, my green Buick century, once my grandparents, my very first car in my entire lifetime is scrunched up and looks like a piece of crumpled tin foil that's been ripped and stomped on.

Less than a year and i might have to already get a new vehicle? I don't think so.

Anyways MOVING ON! Yesterday at Canada's Wonderland i did all the rides that i never thought about going on before.. because they never looked like that much fun. Well it was a basic don't judge a book by its cover lesson because those wooden rides are the most fun i have ever had in my entire lifetime. Even though my boobs seemed to fly left and right it was still fun lol!

Bah i move in less than two weeks! 8 days! I went shopping and got lots of stuff... I just don't feel like writing anymore right now... Ill talk to you guys later... tomorrow...

Leave Me Be.

Well it’s late, im grumpy, and I feel like writing a lot of pointless crap that later ill probably look back at and realize none of it was really true.

Basically, I feel like shit right now, I look like shit, and im wearing pj's that look like shit. Shit shit shit. Anyways, I don’t really know how to say it or what to say but im just in the worse "shit" mood ever. I feel like just going for a run, but since it IS 11:23PM that's kind of out of the question. Id most likely be running away from serial killers and rapists. Hmm, serial killers and rapists. Why is it that everyone is so stereotypical? I mean, why does everyone think serial killers and rapists live in the darkness? Maybe they do... Maybe there were a bunch of them that created a pact that they were going to "strike" at night and only at night. Or maybe it’s as simple as the fact that it’s easier to be sneaky at night, its dark, and just downright spooky sometimes.

Anywhoo that was completely off topic. Tomorrow I am going to see rooms to rent in Oakville. I’m very, ugh, just uptight and frustrated. Even right now.

I seem to be very confused and things just get complicated. I can’t even sit and write a goddamn post without tearing up because I feel so fucking bad for myself lately. And its not that I don’t want to talk about it with people. It’s the fact that I don’t want people to know I feel this way, or that sometimes imp upset when I don’t seem upset or whatever.

I guess tonight is just one of those nights I just feel like giving up. Tomorrow-ill wake up thinking "Great! Apartments" and go along with my day but for now, well I can sulk and cry and take this time to write, and just get whatever it is that’s bugging me (and has been for the last couple weeks or so) OUT!

Unfortunately, I don’t and can’t really write that feeling... It’s like depression but not as severe. Its easy to hide it seems, but at the same time eats away at me until I give in day after day. Oh boy. I guess it’s just the mood the "shit feeling" welling up inside me, maybe the grumpiness setting in. I want to sleep, I want to cry, and I want to wake up feeling like it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well it IS late, I AM grumpy, and I just wrote a lot of pointless crap that later I will look back at and realize none of it was really true.