One of Those, One of These

So i feel like writing, but you see, i have absolutely nothing and at the same time absolutely everything to say here.

Have your eyes ever started to burn because of the computer screen? Mine have, mine are. Turn down the brightness, it usually helps. 50% should due.

The Only Moment We Were Alone - Explosions In the Sky

So i have listened to this on a loop for the past hour, which seems like forever. And i want to write lyrics, but we come back to the " i have nothing, yet everything to say"

I cant exactly say its writers block, because you see, i am still writing. I just haven't really say a whole lot in the past 111 words i have typed.

In that case, i guess i should get going with this writing business. Cut to the chase, as some would say. Let me tell you a story then, since this song is running through my head, and someone mentioned pasta, which got me thinking even more. Old pasta actually. Its amazing. No, not "it". "I", yes I am amazing. Sometimes i don't understand the things i do.

When i was in college, there was nothing around to eat other than pasta (which was fine, im a big fan) I cooked the pasta, but way to much of it, so i just ate what i could and set the rest aside on my desk, pondering weather or not i could muster up the strength to put it in the fridge where usually food belongs after your done picking through it.

Well i never got around to doing it, and that pasta sat for two whole days. Two days on a dusty desk, in a messy room, that seemed to always smell like dirty socks (i don't know why, i DID do my laundry... from time to time)

Oh it had just crossed my mind as of now.
I hope you are listening to that song that i had posted. It IS 10 minutes long, so im sure once you are finished reading this it should be somewhere in the middle.

Anyways back to the pasta. I don't believe in wasting things, and at 2am, old pasta thats been sitting on a desk for a few days does look quite appealing, so i did what a basic lower class teenage boy would have done! (not saying i am one, just that i may act like one at points)

Yes, i did. I took the pasta and put it in the microwave, zapped it, and ate the entire bowl. (at least what was left of it.) And since i knew it was something disgusting to do, i enjoyed it that much more. The pasta did taste fantastic, and it wasn't moldy, so i was safe.

Im sure a few years from now i will be told by my doctor that i have some rare disease that only comes by when you eat 2 day old pasta that's been sitting out in a dirty sock smelling room, and you can only contract the disease if you zap the pasta in the microwave for 53 seconds on high.

Im fucked.

I thought this needed to be captured.

Its Been A While....

Since I’ve done this.
And by this, I mean a journal entry.
I’m rusty.

I’m here. I’m alive!
Hello world.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months that I have never ever thought about before. In less than a couple months, I have dropped down to the lowest I could have ever gone, and even when I thought it couldn't get any worse, things still seemed to still be going wrong. I gave up, and after time I eventually lost myself.

So, Brittanie, where does this all begin? Where do these thoughts and feelings come from you may ask? Well let me tell you in short (at least at this point, I want it to be short)

After a while, school started to go downhill. Not in the way you’re thinking... I still went to class, and did my work, but it was easy, and I found other things to do with my time. Just for the record, I did pass, and (might I add!) with mighty fine grades. Anyways, I felt like I had lost all the people that I had called friends, and even the ones I was so very close to before I came to college, felt like they had drifted farther and farther away.

I hated living in residence, it honestly felt like a prison, and since I know not a good percentage of people younger than me have been to prison let me go into more detail. It’s nice to go on vacation? I suppose we would all agree on this. I do travel a lot and maybe for some people "living" in a hotel like place with key cards is ideal, but for me, a place I want to call home, calls for a set of keys. Sign in your guests? "I don't think so" if I'm paying a shit load of money to stay there, I want to be able to have whoever I want over, and not have to pay $5 to have them stay the night!

*rant*

White walls, long halls, lonely nights, cable TV that I had only watched once since I got there, and internet so slow, I had to wait three days for a movie to download just so I could entertain myself. Basically to sum it up, residence was the shits and it didn't help that I had a roommate that would talk about me on msn to all her little friends. I'm sure I’ll come back and edit this one day, go into more detail, but I promised myself above that this was going to be short!

Anyways, continuing on.

After a while I started to cry every night. I had never felt so alone and afraid in my life. This is where I would like to thank TWLOHA and the Kids help line. When no one else was there for me, they were, and listening to someone I didn't even know, talk about absolutely nothing for at least a half hour actually cheered me up. I hated being by myself. I was depressed, and I didn't want to admit it.

So I started spending my time elsewhere, which I think is when I was given signs, you know the ones people think "god" give them, but since I don't really believe "god" I kind of just ignored it, and thought that things would eventually end up the way they end up (which by the way, is exactly what happened). All I did was cook and clean, and cook and then clean... and then occasionally cook, and then go to best buy every once and a while.

Then I went to San Francisco, where I came across a little something called hope and dreams. It didn't last long though, because soon enough I was back where I started and I felt like my life was a dead end. I was medically diagnosed with Situational depression, and started taking pills.

I lost control; I didn't know who I was. After a while things just got worse (but they always get worse before they get better, which is what I'm told) I ended up moving out of residence. I didn't get kicked out, like some of you may think, I just simply couldn't take it anymore, there was nothing there for me. After that, my life became routine, boring, and robotic.

Okay so right now your thinking "shit, so much for a short blog" Well I do apologize, I didn't mean for it to be THIS long, it’s just a lengthy story, and I kind of need to get it all out.

So, what pushed me over the edge? What was it that made me realize that there were so many life opportunities and so many people out there that would die to take me out to dinner?

Well, at the end of my run, my best friend, someone that was always there for me, decided they no longer wanted to be, and it had happened to me around that time of year, where people are supposed to come together, to be together. The only thing I was holding on so tightly to have slipped through my fingers, and I was left with nothing.

But surprisingly, even at the most unlikely times, life can completely turn around, and start again. A new chapter, a new year, a merry Christmas.

I ended it with my boyfriend, and I can say I don't regret any of the choices I have made, even when I was depressed or "down and out" as you might like to say. The choices I have made, and the things I have said are all done and over with, and I can start a new "chapter" in my life.

I'm not going back to school. I'm meeting a boy. I’m going on a road trip. I'm raising money for charity. I am back, and I am doing what’s most important, living my life.

Divide Time.

Confession: I need a certain amount of human interaction and affection a day. When I'm alone all day I get terribly depressed. Its weird. I just hate running my thoughts in circles. I confuse myself and just get angry for no reason. Mental much.

I can't sleep with my closet doors open because I've always been afraid there's someone watching me from there, waiting for me to fall asleep. Good thing residence doesn't have closets!

Corey and I have spent lots of time together lately, so I'm trying to get all my stuff done now.Its been fun, but we seem to be on a different track. The phrase ``out of sync`` comes to mind. It makes me sad that we are going to need to actually put aside time to reconnect. I wish things were easier sometimes.

Iv been thinking today about calculator watches. I mean, its interesting. Who really wears them anymore and are they really that useful. I cant really come to any conclusions though, i dont even wear a watch that just tells time let alone does math for you.

hm.. i think ill look into purchasing one.


I always edit these after i have posted them...